I shot this set to enter the Pinup Housewife Contest on PinupLifestyle.com Yes, I had a little too much fun with the photo effects.

Please vote for me in the Pinup Housewife Contest

All of my eye makeup is by E.L.F.

Empire State Building

Carrie's Stoop on Sex and the City in Greenwich Village

ON PEOPLE

People are horny and want to get laid. Just because they fuck you at the time doesn’t mean you’re special.

New Yorkers will give you directions.

If you cry they might give you a break on your computer repair bill.

Arguing is pointless.

Tipping is not just a city in China.

If someone collects something, don’t fuck with it.

Tell a celebrity what you enjoyed about their work. Don’t just tell them they’re hot, they already know that.

ON LITTLE PEOPLE (Children)

Don’t give little kids gum or suckers.

Don’t start answering “Why” questions for children or they will never stop. Also if you start playing with them be prepared to do that all day without ceasing.

ON LIFE (Random)

Most dogs/bugs do not want to bite you.

Learn when the liquor store and pizza places open/close. Save yourself time and stop asking me, I can’t magically make them open later.

Always bring enough change to the laundromat or be screwed as you wear damp scratchy clothing.

One day you will realize that you are literally crying over spilled milk. You will laugh, hard.

If things are really bad and you’re even a little tired, go to bed.

ON FLEA MARKETS

The lower to the ground something is (usually) the cheaper it is.

Don’t set up earlier than 4AM or later than 9AM.

Avoid setting up at the ends of aisles. The middle is best. Even one space over from the end is better.

ON FOOD

Potted meat tastes better than Spam.

Always request extra ketchup or taco sauce.

ON DEALS

When buying anything online always do an internet search to find out if their is a free or reduced shipping code available (there usually is).

Don’t buy dog snacks at a Pet Store or Kmart. Target has a big variety at decent prices. Sometimes closeout stores like It’s A Buck or Big Lots have good buys on specialty items. Sometimes they are old though so inspect them first to make sure they aren’t dried out.

New plastic hampers work as bathroom garbage pails and vice versa.

EYES

If you’re an adult and have realized that your prescription no longer changes only buy glasses when they are scratched.

An optometrist’s assistant once told me (knowing our financial situation) that 1 month contacts actually will last 2 months. The quality of these seems to be going downhill recently though. A prescription is good for 1 year. Buy 2 boxes at the time of your exam.

Prior to the prescription lapsing buy 2 more boxes. Now you don’t have to get re-examined for another year.

Carry your contact case on you in case you end up stuck somewhere. If you forgot it, 2 small pill bottles and a little water will work in a pinch.

TEETH

If you are a dental hygienist, please stop trying to have a conversation with me, I can’t TALK while you have your hands in my mouth and there is saliva running down my chin!

GENERAL

When I was growing up antibiotics were given out like candy for every ailment. Now you can drag yourself to the doctor’s office (amidst all of the other zombies) whilst dripping from every orifice and leave with a prescription for overpriced cough syrup. Instead buy cough syrup (with alcohol) and some decongestant pills, tissues and cola &/or juice and go to bed.

If you are ever curious about what your GP is really like & they leave your chart out, look at it. The doctor that I was with for years left it laying out once. I read it & it was full of derogatory comments about me. Like when I was in elementary school and they told me I had high cholesterol, they made a mark next to it that said “We doubt patient will change eating habits” or something to that affect. Nice way to talk about a little kid. What’s really ridiculous in retrospect is that I didn’t eat an egg for a fucking year after they told me that & they had doubted me! Plus they put other stuff like “denies smoking” when I don’t smoke. WTF? I didn’t go back after that.

If you are planning on getting hammered (at home with friends) or out (you have a DD) and didn’t get a chance to eat dinner, skip it. You will get drunk faster. Plus you know you’re gonna be hungry later and hit Taco Bell or make Mac & Cheese anyway.

Always pregame except when it’s unlimited or $1 bottles &/or rail.

Karaoke at dive bars is free entertainment (even if you can’t/won’t sing). Cheer at the conclusion of a song, especially when they are tone deaf.

Hip hop clubs and rap shows are often more fun than others (which may be a crap shoot). You can always laugh and dance badly to “Low” or “Hot In Herre” while “Pour Some Sugar On Me” is hit or miss.

Wasps and yuppies are annoying but sometimes they will buy you drinks.

If you are attending an all day music festival stay hydrated (even if some of the time it’s by vodka or Smirnoff).

Don’t get anally raped when buying movies. Check Amazon.com often, Best Buy and Target’s ads on Sunday. You may also want to get a membership to Columbia House. You can take advantage of sales and codes which can sporadically allow you to buy movies for under $5 (old releases) to about $7 (new releases) when buying one for $20. When renting movies Netflix and Redbox are your friends.

Books aren’t worth anything as soon as you buy them. Meaning the resell value is shit. If it’s a must have author for you with rereadability you can pay full price. If you have a good library in your town you may borrow books for free or for a nominal fee (usually .10-.15 a day for new hardbacks). You may also want to join BookMooch.com

Movie theater candy is expensive, act accordingly.

Drive-ins are more fun when attending with a group.

Pay for cds or mp3s. Illegal downloads will give you viruses.

Something will always be funny during an episode of SNL, even if it’s only 1 sketch.

Lady Gaga, Flo-Rida and KISS are showmen.

While reading the endless articles by film critics all over about their top films of the year I realized what bothered me about every article. Average people do not have access to all of those art house movies. Plus even if you live in a big city that shows them (I do not) people who don’t see movies for free have to make a choice. I know if it’s up to me and I have to decide to spend $10 seeing either something that makes me laugh or something that makes me cry, it will often be the former. I think I’m in the middle, I enjoy some weird shit but am also into big popcorn movies. Plus, I usually catch up on everything during the next year. At the end is a list of films that I am eagerly awaiting catching on dvd (as that is your only choice when you live in the boondocks).

COMEDY:

Dance Flick
This was by far the funniest movie I’ve seen this year. Combining a parody film with all of the teen dances movies is fantastic.
bonus: You can follow Shoshanna Bush
Marlon Wayans

Spring Breakdown (direct to dvd)
This movie stars Amy Poehler, Parker Posey and Rachel Dratch. I knew going in that it would either fail fantastically or be hilarious. It was hilarious. However unceremoniously dumped direct to dvd. In a nutshell it’s 3 adult women who were outcasts in college running around during spring break finally getting to let loose.
bonus: You can follow Seth Meyers

Miss March
If you saw the trailer you probably thought that this looked pretty ridiculous. Well it is, but it’s too funny. A guy goes into a coma in high school and when he wakes up he finds out that his ex girlfriend is now a Playboy Playmate. Craig Robinson has a great role.

The Hangover
I don’t have to sell this to you. You know that it’s funny. I went in expecting to like it because I’ve been a fan of all of the principal actors for years. Initially I was worried that it wouldn’t hold up to repeated viewings. I bought it watched it for a 2nd though and I think that will be a classic for me.

The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard
Jeremy Piven can’t get no respect. It seems like this movie was rushed in and out of theaters. Then it was released on Netflix prior to getting a regular release to test sales. That’s sad. It’s very entertaining. I’m still a little surprised that Piven now plays these suave guys when he started out as the loser second banana in flicks but I dig it.
bonus: You can follow Jeremy Piven

Bride Wars/Labor Pains (direct to dvd)
I’m not gonna lie and say that these are not formulaic chick flicks but if are a chick (like me) and would like to indulge in a new one from ‘09 you could definitely do worse.
bonus: You can follow Lindsay Lohan

Santa Buddies (direct to dvd)
Yes, the kids’ movie about labrador retrievers. You can read my Associated Content review here

DRAMA

Spread
Ashton Kutcher plays a womanizer who targets older women but sleeps with basically everybody. Lots of sex and callousness abound. Imagine if Brian Kinney and Samantha Jones had a son. He might be a lot like this. Unfortunately they try to give him depth that doesn’t really mesh but nothing’s perfect.
bonus: ah, too bad Kutcher’s not on twitter. xd

The Informers
If you are a fan of Bret Easton Ellis’ books and hopefully the film adaptations you should check this out. It would take a far better person than I to analyze him.

Powder Blue
This is known as that Jessica Biel stripper movie. Of course it’s much more than that if you actually take the time to watch it. I don’t really want to give anything away because it’s better if you have no idea what’s going on. I will say that it’s about a bunch of screwed up people just trying to live. Also the cast includes Forest Whitaker (who always shines) and Ray Liotta (who I have a tiny thing for).
bonus: You can follow Ray Liotta
(I don’t really think it’s him but I like to pretend.)

EXPLOITATION

Crank 2: High Voltage
This film is a million times more over the top than the first. The 1st was about a guy who has been poisoned running around trying to keep his heart rate up. Now he’s running around with an artificial heart trying to get his heart back. Everything is completely over the top, the violence, the sex and a weird fantasy sequence. If I hadn’t seen This Film Is Not Yet Rated I would ponder at how they were able to get an R rating on this sucker.

Bruno
This movie is all about fame and homophobia and exploiting that for laughs. It’s not as funny as Borat but perhaps just because you’ve seen the premise from the other film with the whole fish out of water thing. Very graphic.

HORROR:

Drag Me To Hell
I am a huge fan of Army of Darkness and Alison Lohman. I was pretty worried that this couldn’t live up to my expectations but it was amazing. Plus it actually scared me. I had nightmares for 2 nights. Justin Long (whom I’ve had a major crush on) annoyed me despite playing a really nice boyfriend. I have no idea why. I was a little disappointed that there was no cameo by Ted Raimi. This film has layers and subtext. You can do a quick search after watching to find out what I mean. I don’t want to give it away because then you’ll notice while you are watching it.

My Bloody Valentine 3D
I liked the use of 3D and the actors that they chose. The story was kind of tv movieish but still fun. Definitely get the original. It was the better film if you can get over the old hair and clothing styles.

The Final Destination
I’m a fan of the series. Plus they used a lot of 3D in this, much more that My Bloody Valentine.
bonus: You can follow Nick Zano

ACTION:

Inglourious Basterds
If you like Tarantiono, you’ll like or love this. I was worried I wouldn’t because it is a “war” film and I hate those. But it really isn’t, so I had no need to worry. I was so stoked to see Eli Roth really acting in something.
bonus: You can follow Eli Roth

Fast & Furious
As most FF fans will tell you the best was the first. Then they started losing people. I’ve never even watched Tokyo Drift because I didn’t give a shit. In the 4th installment we get back to the original characters. Chicks want the guys and guys what to be them. (Or theorize that they are gay because they are jealous). Yes, there are ridiculous feats but come on, that’s what you want.
bonus: You can follow Michelle Rodriguez

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra
I really enjoyed all of the gadgets and Sienna Miller’s character in this movie.
bonus: You can follow Channing Tatum
Marlon Wayans

Streets of Blood (direct to dvd)
It’s a cop movie starring Val Kilmar and 50 Cent. It was right up my alley. I would link to my Netflix review but the site is down.

UNSEEN
The Slammin’ Salmon
An Education
Dorian Gray
Crazy Heart
Bad Lieutenant
Moon
The Hurt Locker

This is the 1st in a series of posts. They were inspired by this article
50 practical tips to save you half a lifetime by Matthew Parris.
Now obviously I am not an older British gentlemen. However I found it pretty interesting. Today while trying to chill out I had the need to write down a bunch of my advice and rants. Now who would take advice from me since I’m not all together? Well I might not have it all figured out (who does?) but I know a lot of inconsequential random stuff (much of it about shopping) and I’ve decided to share this, damnit.

ON BEAUTY/STYLE/HAIR

Buy essentials from Walmart (mouthwash, shampoo, toothpaste, etc.), Dollar General or Family Dollar. Don’t waste money on these products at drugstores.

If you absolutely adore wearing a certain pair of jeans or shoes buy them in duplicate. You can get the extra in a different finish or wash if you so desire.

Designer knock off perfumes are often accurate and can cost 1/10 as much as the original.

Sally’s Beauty Supply now makes most of its products available to average consumers, not just stylists. If you just do a basic blonde buy a tub of developer (bleach) and volumizer. It will last a long time.

When it comes to brunette shades the prices is on par with stores and I’m not as fond of the colors available. Try Color Silk from a department store instead (usually around $3 a bottle, great if you recquire more than one).

Manic Panic is fun but doesn’t last long. The color of the product in the jar isn’t always what it will look like on your hair.

You can often buy cute pop culture tees on sale at Hot Topic or Spencer’s and no you don’t have to be a goth teen to wear them.

Guys’ and boys’ tees are often funnier. Just size way down or up (boys’ XL).

Don’t buy clearance mascara. It may have dried out.

Clearance tanning lotion is usually still usable.

You can never have too many Mardi Gras beads or novelty hats.

Many people can not tell the difference between $6 or $60 sunglasses.

$1 tweezers suck. You usually have to spend at least $5 for quality tweezers.

Clawfoot bathtubs are more comfortable.

What happened to all of those morality cartoons and specials that were supposed to teach us something growing up? I thought about this while watching Rudolph for the 1st time in years tonight. I enjoyed the program when I was little but it didn’t seem to apply. In grade school, for the most part, everyone got along. Of course there was good natured ribbing but nothing really out of the ordinary. We weren’t Stepford children or anything. Kids were different. Some were short, some tall, some skinny, some fat, some white, some black, but we didn’t ostracize each other for our differences. All of us just wanted to play tether ball, hopstoch, hand games and wear our hair in pony tales with balls at the end.

Despite this I had a feeling of dread prior to the start of high school. I had seen enough movies to know that I wouldn’t popular. I tried to make myself fit in before school started. My mother took me to every hair stylist in the mall. None of them wanted to attempt to straighten my hair. After going back 2 or 3 times, one of them told my mother that she would try but that my hair would probably just go back to normal in a few hours & that she wouldn’t issue a refund when this happened. So I decided to go the other way. I thought I’ll be me. I’ll have fun. I went to one of the salons and asked them to dye my hair red, as dark as possible. The woman kept showing me shades & I would say “No, darker”. She was so amused that she had 3 or 4 other stylists come over so she could show them. I have very thick hair as well, so she told me she had to use lots of extra bottles of color and would charge me extra. (I now realize that she did exaggerate, but I didn’t know shit about dying hair then). I walked out of the salon with an awesome bright do. I bought color stay shampoo and went home. This was on Friday. I started school on Monday & didn’t want it to wash out, so I didn’t wash my hair. Somehow it still faded. I had to mention it to friends & even then they could only spot a slight tint.

Aside from that, I wore what I wanted. One of the most out there outfits was a lime green vinyl jacket with matching skirt that I bought from Dots. I later sold this via eBay to a dude who only wore vinyl. I know I had a pic of me in this but I can’t locate it. I also wore regular clothes. But I was put down for everything. My hair was too “poufy”, my name was strange (you can make jokes out of both my first & last name), I was fat. I was actually average size. Sometimes I believed that this had to do with the Academic classes that I took, which were populated by preppy, rich kids. Of course, I didn’t fit in there. However it became apparent that the whole school had found a target when even a boy that I had been in class with since I was 4, who called my mother Mrs. & now who had become a thug & was buying drugs from the dealers who lived next door to me called my name in the hallway one day. I wasn’t sure what he wanted but when I stopped, he called me an insult. So I was the whipping boy for every class, although this was pre-emo & there weren’t the 50,000 cliques that there are now. I could go on & on about the horrible stuff that everyone did to me but I’m saving that for the tv movie. xd. They beat me down for years, so I mostly ignored everyone & kept to myself.

For along time I assumed that the whole of the world was like this. When I visited my niece in WV, people were nice though. Even the cheerleading squad that my niece was a part of didn’t treat me like shit. Through the years I visited my sister in Maryland & eventually lived there with her. She told me that other places weren’t the same. (She had been teased too, but not to my degree). I didn’t believe her at first. However it was true. I had found my own little Island of Misfit toys. I suppose that my Baltimore friends would be looked at as freaks & weirdos by the people here, as would my net friends. Not that I care.

Since I’ve gotten this new sort of high fashion hair do strangers have been treating me bad at stores by cashiers & customers. It’s probably that combined with my piercing & makeup. It doesn’t make me sad. Sometimes it makes me angry. I almost wanted to laugh at this customer & cashier when I was in line at the grocery the other day though. There were acting like I had AIDs or something. The customer moves her stuff away from mine on the conveyor belt (yes, there was a spacer in between), the cashier was pretty abrupt once she saw my face & I just thought “Here are 2 women with that hideous old lady hair do that they act like is forced upon them”, one was only 40 & they think I look bad. Yes, I could wear my hair long with no makeup but it would still be my hair, I would still be me & if everyone is gonna mistreat me, I might as well be myself. I have my reasons for living here right now but that doesn’t change the fact that I would still like to have my own little band of misfits here but there aren’t any. Tres annoying.

P.S. The pic from when I was in 7th grade above includes some of my friends at the time. Some of them were insulted in Jr. High but I stuck up for them. Isn’t it nice how they really stuck through everything with me. LOL

Real Maryland Friends

I used to make a lot of mix cds & I think I was pretty good at it even if the reviews, by my friends, were mixed. Without further ado, my Xmas Mix.

Mary’s Christmas Mix

P.S. I cannot get a flashplayer to show up on here, please click the link. Once I figure out what I’m doing blogs shall improve. xd